I have written this post and deleted it, more than once. I have rewritten and not posted my story so many times, I have lost count.
There are so many reasons I have done this. Shame, guilt, embarrassment, my brain telling me no one cared and that it really won’t make a difference. Either way, here it is, the final draft. The story I will write and publish, the one that will remain public for all the world to see.
I came across these photos today. Three years ago today, our family was playing on the beach. I saw this amazing photo of a super-woman making a baby on our way there. I remember it so clearly, sharing the photo with my friends. Little did I know I was pregnant myself at this time.
My husband and I did not find out until about a week after this trip. After being late for so many weeks, we thought it might be smart to check and find out why. When we both realized we were pregnant, I was absolutely thrilled! Though, unplanned, it was a blessing and my husband mirrored my feelings. He was so excited he began telling his friends, even though we were only a few weeks along.
A lot of what happened from then to the day I miscarried, September 26, is still a bit of a blur, but there are some distinct moments that stand out. I remember my first appointment, for some reason I was cramping a lot and the doctor told me they would schedule an ultrasound to check the baby’s heart. I do not remember being overly concerned. I cramped a lot with my first child and he was born healthy, so I just figured they were being cautious.
I remember arriving to the appointment for our ultrasound, my husband couldn’t make it, due to work. However, my son was there and proudly announcing he was going to be a big brother to anyone who would listen. The ultrasound technician found the baby’s heartbeat with no problem and told us all looked well. We even got a picture. I called my husband and told him we were in the clear! I would probably just cramp, like I did with our first, nothing to worry about.
Shortly thereafter, I cannot remember the exact day, I began bleeding. We immediately went to our doctor. I feared the very worst, but when we arrived he said everything was still intact. We did another vaginal ultrasound and saw our baby’s heart beat again. They said it appeared normal and sent us home. They said there was nothing to be done. If the bleeding stopped, call them, if it did not, call them.
I waited and prayed and cried for the bleeding to stop, but it never did. I called the doctor and they had no more answers for us. We decided to visit another doctor’s office and get another ultrasound. This doctor delivered the news of our worst fears. There was no longer a heart beat, our baby had died. We were absolutely heartbroken. We set up an appointment to do a D&C the next morning.
When we arrived at the hospital the following morning, I was numb. We waited for our turn for surgery. As we were waiting the nurse informed us that our insurance would not cover an “elective abortion” and it would cost us $5,000.00. We had nowhere near that amount of money and after speaking with the doctor decided to let everything pass naturally. It was truly the worst day of my life, waiting for a baby to arrive, who was already dead. A baby my body had been unable to sustain. We tried to take our minds off of the horror ahead of us, by taking our son to the park. It was an absolutely gorgeous day. We flew kites.
After we returned from the park, our baby girl arrived. As strange as it is, I took the time to admire her and am ultimately grateful we did not have the D&C. However, that may have been a bit easier.
After our miscarriage, I changed a lot. Even though, I was not far into the pregnancy, I had still imagined so many wonderful things for our child. I was certain she would have had my husband’s hair and my sassy spirit.
I soon felt like a vessel for death.
Everything I did was wrong and it was beginning to impact out marriage and home. My main reason for this page, is to help those who have been through a miscarriage as well. I do believe our society has been a lot better about sharing the news of miscarriages and spreading our love to those in need, but there are still so many women who remain silent about their miscarriages. I believe it is for the very reasons I was afraid to post this in the first place.
So many times we are uncertain of how to share the news and if we do share the news, how will others react? I believe some women feel that their loss may not seem real to others, because no one else knew, but I can tell you, the grief is real. It is okay to take time to heal and recover. You have suffered a loss and it is perfectly acceptable to validate your feelings.
To help anyone who is suffering from a miscarriage I have teamed up with Samantha Rodman of Dr. Psych Mom to help those in need. She is an amazing psychologist (just voted Gazette Reader’s Choice!) and will conduct sessions via phone or Skype.
If needed, I will also begin a Facebook group to anyone who is in need of a safe and secure place to talk about your struggles. Just send me a message, if you are interested.