Today’s guest post is brought to you by one of the very first mama’s I found in this wonderful online momiverse! She has brought so much wisdom and peace into my life. I hope you enjoy her post as much as I have.
You can find her blog The Momster Diaries here.
Stuck In The Middle: Loss and Legacy
My eyes just kinda filled with tears as I listened to “Lukas Graham -7 Years” during my morning commute. An overwhelming feeling of love washed over as I thought of my role as mother, wife and daughter. I also felt great sadness as I thought of the finite nature of life. As my thoughts ping-ponged from my mother to my family I was mentally stuck in the middle of a flood of emotions. These thoughts ultimately snowballed into all the feels of how life is zooming by. I don’t ever want a life without my mom or my family. I just want to be surrounded by all those that I love forever with no expiration.
One of the main reasons I started this blog is for my kids. My father was torn away from our family due to cancer when I was way too young and I would have loved a written memoir from him dedicated to our family. What I want is now what I give. This is my diary of everyday moments dedicated to my family. I want my kids to be able to look back and get a glimpse of what life was like when they were little and carefree. I want them to know that I do struggle and may have made some mistakes along the way, but I continue to do my very best with each second we are together. It is a constant battle between brain and heart with heart prevailing in most circumstances.
I look at my daughter and she is just about 3 years old. Where did the time go? I used to sit in the rocking chair at all hours of the night to feed her, play with her and just stare at her peaceful face as she would slip back into a slumber. I prayed she would stay little forever so these moments would not slip away. Now she is a defiant toddler with a big personality. She no longer gives me gummy smiles or cries the second I leave her sight. I wonder how I will fit into her world as these years continue to fly by.
My son is approaching 9 months now. His teeth are coming in, he is catching on to the whole crawling concept, and I’m smitten with my endless fix of baby snuggles and primitive love. He needs me just as much as I will always need him. However, his need for me will soon evolve. Just like his sister, he will grow into his independence and he will learn to love other people and things. I may fade into the background, but my kids will constantly remain at the forefront of my heart.
While my kids are located at the forefront of my heart, my husband is where my heart calls home. Our relationship has grown so much over the course of 11 years. So many momentous chapters have opened with parenthood being the best one so far. We continue to learn so much about each other (good, bad and ugly) during this tumultuous time and I continue to feel like the luckiest girl to have him by my side through it all. I wouldn’t want to share this journey with any other person. He is the main reason we have two beautiful children and I will always be grateful even though our relationship often gets put on the back burner right now. I realize that this chaotic time will pass and I can only hope we are blessed with the chapter where we have those special moments of being able to sit together wrinkled and grey and talk about the story of our life we created. The story of marriage not always being easy. The story of us always staying true to one another and choosing to love each other day in and day out regardless of the struggles we faced.
Ugh! Where do I even start?!? This girl is my everything all wrapped up into a 4’11” Okinawan powerhouse. She raised me with the perfect amount of love, support and discipline needed to make me feel secure and confident. I would say I’m a pretty decent human-being with much thanks to her.
As I listened to this song a recurring morbid thought crept in– how will I manage to live my days once she is gone? She has been with me since my very first breathe in this big world. She has wiped away tears, rocked me back to health, busted out some epic funnies and instilled some of the greatest of life lessons, among countless other things. Clearly, I realize my time can come before hers, but what if the latter occurs? I just can’t imagine my life without her. I want her to tell me something right now that will make it all OK. Some words that I can hold onto tightly to make the pain a little less painful and the hollow inside a little more full. I need this so I don’t just crumble in despair. This song made me go to a place in my head where I realized life is not infinite and how will I deal with a loss so precious? This is an elephant in the room that I want to address. Loss is not an easy subject to candidly discuss and it is crazy to bring up when it hasn’t actually happened, but I love my mom far too much for us to part without this conversation.
I sit here and remain stuck in the middle of two worlds– one of inevitable loss and one of legacy. There is no guarantee where life will take me or the people I love. Right now we have our health, happiness and love. I dread the day that any one of these components in life get disrupted.
If you have a similar sentiment, I welcome you to share this post with those you love to open up the gates to an interesting conversation. I have already sent it to my mom and looking forward to getting her thoughts. In the meantime, I will keep working on creating a legacy that will make my family proud.